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There was a girl. She went too far from God. She promised to stay, but the world seems to be louder than Him, and so she drifted away from His voice. As she went further, her soul became heavier and she was draining..inside and out. She tried to continue moving forward but the road got longer and longer, she couldn't see the finishing line. The wind knocked her to her knees, the right position to be. There and then she remembered the promise she made and she started to cry for help, knowing that she was wrong all this time. But then something hit her in her heart, opening her eyes, her mind, that the promises made in this world can't be compared to the promise He has for her.She realized that she missed that Voice and there was nothing else she could do but to listen. Right when she was needy and broken, she heard the voice, saying..

"Return to me with all your heart."

~Joel 2:12~

...and suddenly she felt a kind of strength building inside her and she knew where it came from. So, she got up and made her way back to where she began. In each step she made, she felt stronger and stronger that she didn't realize that she was actually running..leaving everything she once had behind.

From afar she saw a familiar figure, still standing there, waiting for her. He saw her too and He started running towards her with His arms open, ready to catch her. The road took away almost all the strength she had. But she saw Him smiling joyfully towards her and nothing could stop her until she finally returned to His arms because she knew, she is safe in His arms.

The Weeping Women ~Luke 23: 28-31~

One of the big events I had in my journey walking in Christ happened when I was 11. I still have it kept safely at the back of my head, crafted neatly in my heart. It was Lent season. My Sunday School friends and I were having our little role play on the Way of the Cross. We practised for a few weeks and I was one of the weeping women who followed Him to the Golgotha. Given that role in such a young age, I never really go in depth of the character I was supposed to be.

Jesus turning to them said, “Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me, but weep for yourselves and for your children.For behold, the days are coming when they will say, ‘Blessed are the barren, and the wombs that never bore, and the breasts that never gave suck!’ Then they will begin to say to the mountains, ‘Fall on us’; and to the hills, ‘Cover us’. For if they do this when the wood is green, what will happen when it is dry?”

~Luke 23: 28-31~

  

The women in the Bible continued following Him with loud weeping. But Jesus turned to them and said:

 "Do not cry for me."

"Cry for yourselves. Your children."

"There will be times when the tears you shed will be real tears. Save your tears for those times."

He didn't want to be pitied. He didn't look for sympathy. The fame. Even when He was about to die, He deal with the reality. He was tempted once, being offered with false glory when the Satan suggested that He jumped from the top of the cliff, not suffering injuries, and be called a living miracle. But He refused fame in that way then, and He refused the fame of false tears now.

As I reflected, the role given to me was not just a mere character. It was a question. Am I sincere? Do I weep over injustice just in order to be seen? For what will the tears be for? Will I weep for those who hurt?  Will I weep for myself? Will the tears I shed be a real tears?

"Jesus, I am moved to tears at the thought of you taking my sins up that hard hill to Golgotha. I want these to be tears of sorrow for my sins, not tears that draw attention to my non-existant goodness. Forgive me when I weep out loud for no good purpose. You show us the seriousness of our responsibility. Grant that we may not simply walk , with nothing to offer other than compassionate words. Grant that in the end we will not be dry wood, but living branches in You, the true vine, bearing fruit for eternal life. In Your name I've prayed. Amen."

"Do not weep for me."

Run! ~ 1 Corinthians 9:26 ~

"Therefore, I do not run like someone running aimlessly.."

I love running. Please don't misunderstood. I'm not an athlete and I don't run fast. Sometimes I didn't really run. I just put my running shoes on, warm myself up, and go into my happy pace. 

Shoes on, headphones in, wind in my hair. I never thought running would be one of my favourite thing to do and one thing I love about my run is the moment I have with myself. To feel the wind,the music I'm listening to, and to listen to the unwritten symphonies in my footsteps, all combining.

When I run, I like to observe the colours of the sky, the transition of it. Sometimes the evening sky was so bright, orange, sometimes it could be light blue, sometimes grey.

It is not easy actually. Sometimes it hurts but it worth. The first time I began to be serious in my run, I think each steps I had was just a sigh of anxiety. I wan't sure what was my purpose of running back then.

But somewhere in that empty run,those dry steps, those meaningless sweat, you can guess who came, catching me from behind, taking the empty space beside me, running along with me, in that very humble track I'm on. It was Him.

Yes, I meet Him in my run. I never thought I would. But I did. 

I guess it was the Holy Spirit that inspired me, telling me to search for a good purpose to continue running. And there is nothing better than making my run a holy one. A time to be with Him, to listen while I run. 

And yes! Since then, my run never be an ordinary run. Because He is there with me on the track. I experienced many things since then. I used to have a ponytail on my head when I run and always, I could feel the sweat dropping from the tip of my ponytail down to my calves. I never knew why, but each time it happened, something reminded me of the journey Jesus was having when He carried the cross to Calvary. How many times He fell down, how the blood and sweat ran down His face. For a minute there, I lost myself. I don't know why but that vision came to me.

My run is no longer the same now. Yes it still hurts but I just can't explain how amazing things can be when grace is all around. How miraculous it can be. It hurts, but I don't dare to lose it, I don't dare to forget how it feels like. The tired I get, the stronger I became. I can't explain that. You know why.

Now I have a solid purpose to run and I'm learning see my life as a holy run. Running with Him on the track called 'life'. Running His mission on this broken piece of the universe. 

So I will run.  Running to Him, running with Him.

"Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air."

~ 1Corinthians 9:26 ~

The Storm ~ Matthew 14~

"Take courage! It is I! Don't be afraid"

Later that night when Jesus went up on the mountainside to pray, the boat began to shake, buffeted by the wave. The wind was against it. The disciples were in the boat in fear for hours, long enough for one of them to ask;

"Where is Jesus? Is God anywhere near?"

Having the instinct that their life was at stake, His face appeared in their mind. And from the storm came an unmistakeable voice.

"Take courage! It is I! Don't be afraid!" (Matt 14:27)

Like the disciples, we too have entered numbers of stormy places. But the thing is, we didn't really see who is coming towards us in the midst of the storm.

The disciples thought it was a ghost coming out from the raging storm. When Jesus appeared, one of the Twelve, Peter, didn't believe and asked to come to Him on the water. So Jesus called him, saying;

"Come." (Matt 14:29)

Peter was finally on the water, walking. But then he saw the wind and was afraid, and began to sink. He cried for help and Jesus immediately reached out his hands and caught him. Peter had shown his little faith. Jesus' question hit him.

"Why did you doubt?"

Why do we doubt? When Jesus calls our name, why do we doubt? Why are we still scared of other thing when we know it is Him who we are listening to? God gets into things. He is ready to reach out our hands when we are sinking. So why? He gets into things. Believe that no matter what it takes.

I entered the stormy places many times and many times also, I sank. But He is never too late to catch me. He gave me signs that He is near. In sky I saw a heart-shaped cloud. I saw millions of stars shining through the darkest sky. In the highway I saw a car passing by with a sticker on its back, saying, "It'll be fine". Even in lyrics, everywhere. He answers me.

Christ is there, in the midst of it all. All we have to do is to look just a little bit closer.

The Wilderness ~Luke 4~

The Wilderness. –Luke 4:13-

And yes, another event in the Bible that I love. Jesus is led into the desert to be tempted by the devil.

For the second time in history an unfallen mind will be challenged by the fallen angel. The second Adam has come to succeed where the first Adam failed. It is in this battle where I found myself really weak. 40 days in the cruel empty space, alone, with the devil crawling around me. I don't think I could stand it. But Christ did.

You and I are no match for Satan. Jesus knows this. So He wear our jersey, faces the test for us. Better still, He put on our flesh. 

"He was tempted in every way, just as we are,yet without sin." (Heb 4:15). 

And because He did that, we pass with flying colours.

 He was tested. What weapon did He used? Yes. He simply quoted the Bible. The scripture. Only God's words..and the devil flee.

Luke 4:3-4

The devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread.”
Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone."

Luke 4:6-8And he said to him, “I will give you all their authority and splendor; it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to. If you worship me, it will all be yours.”Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.’

Luke 4:9-12

“If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down from here. For it is written: “‘He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’”
Jesus answered, “It is said: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test’

So each time the evil 'S' comes, just pick up the nearest weapon we have. The Bible. Satan will never give up on us. It will be around us along the path. Just like those time back then, from Gethsemane to Calvary, when the Son of God carried His cross up the hill. The evil 'S' was there along the way trying to bring Him down. The same goes to us. Along our path in this journey called life, it will be there trying to pull us down. The scripture is the answer, the weapon God gave us from the early beginning.

Do not let it go dusty on the altar.

Make Me an Instrument.

"God, make me an instrument. Amen."

People always ask, “Why doesn’t miracle always happen? Why doesn’t God make it happen often?”
I asked the same question too sometimes and I always forgot about the prayer above. I do say it often, but I didn’t really get into it deep enough.
“..make me an instrument.”

As I go deeper into it, I realized, by saying this prayer, it means that I want to get involve. In what? In making miracle happen myself. God want us to get involve, in miracle.
Who knows, we can be a miracle for someone. So this is what it really means. To get involve. To be part of it. To be like Him. God-like. To surrender.

But doesn’t it sounds like,
“give me more problem to solve?”
Well, it does! But that’s the point! Don’t get it? For me, it’s the kind of bold and aggressive approach to life’s challenges that will positively endear me to God. It’s not easy of course, but I remember the promises He gave from the early beginning.

I don’t know how to say this but I think ‘being an instrument’ is like exercising. You’ll become stronger, healthier. By making me an instrument, He is ‘sharpening’ me and so now I have no doubt in saying this, 

"God, make me an instrument. Amen."

..use me in any way You desire, Lord.

He is Sufficient

I would love to share the things I read. Last December, I spent most of time on books. One of them is Encouragement for Life- Words of hope and inspiration by Charles R. Swindoll. I’d jot down some of the important points from the book and I think it is nice to be shared. 

One of them is, the encouragement for self-doubt and insecurity. Everyone had been in that phase, I mean, doubting one ’s self and feeling insecure.  But what did the writer said? We are never closer to God than when trials come upon us.

Inadequacy. To be human is to feel inadequate..especially in glorifying Him. We are inadequate, incapable of glorifying God, unable to do His work in our own strength. But never forget, we have been bought with a price and the price paid was unimaginably high – the blood of Christ – and how we belong to Him. He owns us and this means, He have His own specific plan for each and everyone of us, and that He is working on us in His very own way. In our weaknesses, inadequacy, He will shine. He'll use them all for His glory. We know now, feeling inadequate, why He allows this feeling to have some space in us..so that it forces us to fully rely on Him, giving us the strength. To not run away. We are where we are now because He needs us to demonstrate His power. In our inadequacy, His power is made real...if we allow Him to take the wheel.

“My power is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” ~ 2 Cor 12:9 ~

So each time you feel insecure or beginning to have a doubt, remember, this is what He really wanted to say,

“My daughter, I know what I am doing. I know the pain of your heart right now. I know you feel overwhelmed, overloaded, pressed down. But believe me, I am touched with your situation and I have a plan. I am working out the details of your deliverance even now. Trust me!”

And..

“I want you to be you. I made you the way you are now because I know you better. Your stories, your life, the obstacles that lay ahead you. All you have now are going to fit and help you. Just be you.”

And also..

“You are not in the hands of blind fate! You are in My hands.”

Never doubt yourself. Remember the lines in Amos 7:14-15.

“I am not a prophet, nor am I the son of prophet; for I am a herdsman and a grower of sycamore figs. But the Lord took me from following the flock and the Lord said to me, ‘go prophesy to my people Israel.” ~Amos 7:14-15~

No matter who we are, how poor and weak we are, He is the one holding all the plan.

The Blind Man

“Lord, I believe,”

~John 9: 38~

Do you know this story? A story about a man, born blind and how Jesus searched for Him up and down the Jerusalem streets.

Again, I found myself somewhere between the lines in the Bible. This time, in this man’s position. Why am I sharing this? This is not for me alone.

Have heard about blind faith? What do you think?

 Every human, regardless of what religion or belief they are in, had been in the same condition where this man in John 9 was. Maybe some are still in that position. Feel bad? Worry not. If you haven’t reached the end of the story, continue reading. Jesus did say..
“I came to judge. So that the blind can see.”
So deep. Think of it.

So many unfortunate people in this world. Some can’t talk, others can’t walk, can’t hear, can’t see. Some remain in their unfortunate condition until the end of their life. But some are lucky enough to be able to experience the healing. Why is that? Maybe because they were chosen right from the beginning..to proclaim the glory of His name. So that the works of God might be displayed in them. Some were able to realize this, some were not. Why this man in John 9 was healed? Jesus chose Him. We too, were ‘blind’, but He works in His own way to heal us. He never ignore His own child whenever He passed by. He’ll always have time to heal.  As a child of God, all of us were chosen to proclaim His righteousness. To be able to see that, all we need to do is to believe. No one will be abandoned. When we were lost, He looked for us.
Jesus didn’t stop for lunch, hadn’t pause to rest. When He found Him, He placed a hand on the man’s shoulder, saying..“There you are! I’ve been looking for you!”
Can’t you see how deep that is?

Right after He put the mud-miracle on the man’s eyes, He asked him to wash in the pool of Siloam. But when the man came back, He was not there. So he went to the town and proclaimed the miracle to others but no one believed him. Instead, they kicked him out. Born blind only to be healed. Healed only to be kicked out. Kicked out only to be left alone.

I can see this same scenario happening these days.
 Sharing our faith to others, to those who are supposed to share the same thing, under that same Name. But as you can see, things are not always easy. After taking so much courage..finally, only rejection at the end. Like the one in the story. Being ‘kicked out’ sometimes..many times, and it hurts. This always happen. It happen to me too.

Like the man in the reading, I raced back, danced back, roared back ‘seeing’ for the first time. But yes, not everyone is happy enough to celebrate.

But Jesus, He heard that the man had been kicked-out and He searched the entire town for him.

He searched for me. He tracked me down. A troubled pauper.

“He put His hand on the man’s shoulder.”

He touched my shoulder and I turned. I ‘saw’ Him, the One who healed me. I know He cares. I know He understands. And I know I’m not alone.

“The man worshipped Him. He kept on wrapping his arms around the waist of the One who gave Him sight.”

I worship Him! Just like a bride, seeing her groom, I forgot about myself. Everything changes when I look at ‘my groom’. Just as He came to the blind man, He came to me..for me. For us.

The hand that touched the blind man’s shoulder touches my cheeks. The face that changes his life changes mine. And when I see Him, I will bow in worship.

Was blind, but now I see. Always, I will say

“Lord, I believe.”

Discouraged People ~Luke 5:1-11~

"Put out into the deep water and let down your nets for a catch."

The story on Luke 5 has always been my favourite in the Bible. Simply because it pops up every time I need it. I didn't realize about it until at that one time when everything seemed hopeless. Each time it happen this one particular story popped up. He is trying to pull me back again to where I began. Always.

The sleepless, fishless nights.. like Peter's. Yes, I've got some. But Jesus said to me

"It's not too late to try again."

Have I given Christ my boat?

My dead-end dilemma?

My struggle?

Have I really turned them over to Him?

Have I gone deep?

DEEP?

All those empty times, the sleepless, fishless nights..perhaps I haven’t gone deep enough. Maybe I should try the other side of the boat..go deeper. There, I may found what Peter found. God.

All this time, I tried to catch fish on my own. But most of the time, I just had a sleepless, fishless nights. Just like the one Peter had. My nets were empty and I didn't know where should my sail go. I always have that give-up look inside. But then, Jesus came into my empty boat.

As I allowed Him to enter my boat..He sat down. In silence He watched me. Smiling.

Unaware of what the future might hold, I cast my net into the open sea and He smiled. Hearing my sigh, He rose up, looked at the open water, and said

“It’s not too late to try again.”

So I spread my nets and put it into the water just as what He told me to do. I didn’t expect anything and just do what He said. Then He spoke again,

“Put out into the deep water.”

I nodded and did what He said.

While waiting the net to sink, I looked over my shoulder at Jesus. That time I didn’t really SEE what was happening. Jesus, knowing that I was about to half-sink into the water started to smile. Rising cheeks render His eyes half-moons. His teeth flashed beneath His whiskers. I could say His smile was the best smile I had ever seen, the one that I could always fall for over and over again. He tried to hold it back but couldn’t. As if there is much to smile about. At that time I think Jesus might say or had a monologue within Himself:

“Just wait until you see the net sinking.”

So there I was, fighting against the tearing nets. So many fishes! I am glad to have Him on my boat!

For some reason I could see myself in Peter’s place. God put me into the same boat where He had put Peter long ago. He allows me to play that one important role in the same story. To feel so hopeless, disappointed, exhausted..just like Peter. To feel love, hope, and mercy..just like Peter. To learn that it is never too late to start over..just like Peter.

There were times when I forgot Him. To forget about that half-moon eyes. Relying on my own understandings, my own strength instead of listening to that one Voice.

He knows where the fishes are. He created them. But somehow, due to my human eyes, I failed to see that. Thank goodness He is still willing to come into my boat to remind me about that divine fact. 

When I began to listen to Him, I began to sink into the blessings overflowed.

He cares enough to enter my boats.

The next door Saviour who whispers this words to the owner of empty nets,

“LET’S TRY AGAIN. THIS TIME WITH ME ON BOARD.”

When He Knocks

As I welcomed the joy of Easter last Sunday, woke up on the Easter morning, I smelled a new smell of resurrection. And rising up with Him on the big day, I reflected on my journey. How did I came to know Jesus and when did it started? What brought me to Him? 

Honestly, all the tasks this earth gave dried me up in the inside. Finding quality times to be alone with myself and my Father seemed to be one of the hardest things to do when this world keeps on throwing its empty desires to me to be fulfilled. Whether I want it or not, I just had to face them. But I thank Him for not abandoning me despite of my selfishness and stubbornness. 

I don't have any memory on my baptism day. So whenever I want to 'recall' back on that big day of mine I'll open up the photo album and see myself there on the day I receive Him for the first time.
I grew up as one of His daughter. Learning how to pray, knowing Him, I spent my childhood living as a normal kid. But I was not really aware of His presence, His wonders, His powers, how He works in me, until the day I heard the call.

I was 13 that time. One of my primary school friends, Jess, came to my class asking if I want to join them at the altar, to serve. I gave her a quick 'yes', not aware that  He had been knocking at my door a while before.
So there I was, being at church every weekend, learning, practising. I learnt a lot. Liturgy, all the things used on the altar, what, why, how, when. A lot.
The day arrived, my first service, one of the most nerve wrecking moment in my life, one of the important chapters on my timeline. The moment I put my cassock on and look at myself in the mirror, something warm filled me inside. Walking to the altar, candle in my hands, eyes around me, and  His cross in front of me.
I feel special.
 Not everyone could have those kind of chances. I remembered the priest said to us, the new altar servers, "you got the chance to be at the nearest position with Jesus."
As a first timer, my hands did shook a lot. I did not like to be stared, so it took a huge courage to be in front. But as time flew by, I got used to it. I took the examples shown by His disciples. They inspires me, giving me the courage to be a little bit like them. I wanted to be a good guide on what to do during mass. So, I did my very best to show good examples in front hoping that I could at least be useful and most of all, hoping that they'll see Him through me.

As I go deeper into my service, He too, began to go deeper, deeper and deeper in me.  Slowly, and in a very wonderful way I started to see how He works, how wonderful His wonders could be to those who believe. He showed me things not all people can see, let me feel the feelings not all people can feel.

The altar has been another important part of me. Sometimes, when I walked to the altar at the beginning of mass, I felt as if I am walking on the isle for my wedding..as if I am getting married.
I love it whenever I light up the candles, carry the cross, ring the bells, preparing the priest attire..what else, everything. I feel so close to Him.

When I reflect on all of this, I realised that He had been knocking on my door earlier than I thought. Once, when I was 8, my grandma told me that she wanted me to be an altar girl. I did not know much about it  that time. So I did not give much respond on it. But then, He did not give up on me. He continued knocking. I realised, I met Him a few times, somewhere along my journey, in the face of the people I met. But I was not aware that was Him, just like the story in the Bible. On their way to Emmaus, the two followers did not realise that it was Jesus they had met. When He took the bread, blessed it, broke it, and gave it to them, only then their eyes were opened.

He knocked, and knocked.

He appeared to me in my service as an altar server. I am glad I got to know Him more through it. I know that He had chose me. Despite of all my wrong doings, my selfishness, still..He accepts me in His arms. He never failed to win my heart. With that, I know..no other knocks echo as His.